Day 49-A little different approach

I'm not sure how people will react to this- but I feel like it's necessary at this point to find a way to explain my fake smile and lame excuses

My biggest issue with my anxiety is the constant fear of having actual anxiety or anxiety attacks and corresponding symptoms...I've had it since I was in my senior year in high school. I used to over think every situation and thought about everything and anything and cried for hours afraid I would never think clearly again. I literally thought I was insane. As the years went on it seemed to alleviate a little bit as I fell in love with my high school sweetheart, Anthony. However, when my "ups" became more frequent than my "downs" I would forget to take my lexapro, simply because I didn't feel the slightest bit of anxiety which lead to more obvious bad times.  Now, at 25 years old, it has never been as bad. My grandfather died in December of 2015 which was 5 days after I started my career in the field of education, followed by the completion of my masters degree only three short months after which was then followed by our marriage two months after that. I really enjoy saying "yes" to all offers and favors that are asked of me. Having a sense of need is what gives me my natural high; unfortunately I think this is also what increases this sick feeling of being afraid to literally live normally every day because I put too much on my plate. I like to think of myself as a wild, sarcastic, intelligent, loving, lively, spontaneous and quick witted woman. However lately, my mental health has removed all of the good qualities of me, and has completely turned me into a worrisome, overreacting, agitated, and not fun, zombie like weirdo. When I say my biggest anxiety or worry is the fear of being anxious means that once I had experienced the biggest panic attack of my life in Vegas in 2016 (our anxiety- ruined honeymoon) due to a reaction from the over prescription of anti-anxiety medication I AM ABSOLUTELY TERRIFIED TO EXPERIENCE ANYTHING LIKE THAT EVER AGAIN. I feel as if my doctors didn't take the time to hear me out, instead they prescribed me another pill to take daily. My anxiety attacks appear in all different forms; I don't realize I'm picking my lips or rubbing them together until they are chapped as ever...they can look like sweaty palms, racing thoughts, and the fear of not being good enough...they can look like $12,000 in emergency room credit card debt from thinking you're dying at a family dinner at a restaurant and need to be bussed to the nearest hospital...they can look like saying goodbye to your amazing and supportive husband for the last time because you really think this one will be the one that kills you...they might look like sobbing over nothing and hyperventilating for an hour until your body exhausts itself and you can finally sleep...it might look like calling your husband into bed at 730 pm just because you don't want to be alone in case it happens again...they may look like waking up thinking you're going to vomit because you just can't deal with the excessive rapid heartbeat....they may look like aggressively begging your husband to call 911 just one more time because you think you're done for...they may look like checking your fit-bit every 30 seconds to make sure your pulse isn't at 155 again at resting...they may look like taking deep breaths because the pain in your chest is unbearable but feels numb/cold at the same time... it may look like breaking down in the staff bathroom at work because you're embarrassed for anyone to see you at your worst...and it most definitely could look like canceling all plans last minute because you are terrified to break down in front of people you care about because you know on top of how hopeless you feel, you could only begin to imagine the burden you put on them...it may look like the acting in panic of wondering how people will react to you putting your business for the world to see..and lastly, it could look like never making plans with your girlfriends unless it's in the comfort of your own home because you know your anxiety is most "do-able" there. This is real life. This constant feeling of worry and fear is exhausting and frightening. The worst part of all was having my GP tell me I can't have kids because the medication I'm on would harm an unborn child. If you know me, you know this was a shot to the gut. I nannied for a total of 32 families in my lifetime, I teach 26 brilliant scholars every day; hearing you can't have kids until you're off your medicine and know it will be a while until this is possible is absolutely horrifying. I recently started taking natural steps to help cope with this health issue; I have been introduced to essential oils to help with my relaxation as well as breathing. I'm pushing myself to go back into therapy to learn new coping strategies, I am starting back in the gym at a regular schedule, I am eating clean and losing weight, and most importantly I'm doing more things for me, and not feeling bad for saying "no" to people in hopes of some understanding simply because I can't take much more on my load right now. Fortunately, I have the best support team of friends, family, AMAZING co-workers, and most importantly my husband who has loved me unconditionally and has not left my side- even when I know myself it would be really easy to. I love you all, thank you for not giving up on me. 

Please know that this isn't something that occurs 24/7, but lately this takes up a majority of my lifestyle. I feel a lot better knowing I am doing something about it, and your support makes all the difference. I don't want people to look or treat me differently, I just want people to understand that this crazy thing is real as ever, and to be patient with me through this chaos.

❤❤❤




This too shall pass.💪🏼